Do I really need this?

I go back to the doctor for blood work and another ultrasound on Wednesday. The ultrasound is really the first trimester screening. They measure fluid build-up (?) on the back of the baby's neck and if it's over a certain level, it could be indicative of some type of genetic abnormality. I'm still questioning whether or not I really need it. I'm under 35 (the age genetics start really becoming an issue), there is no history of genetic stuff in either of our families, and there haven't been any signs of anything wrong. The scan, combined with a finger-prick blood test, checks for Downs Syndrome as well as Trisomy 13 and 18, I think. Part of me wonders if something like this could have caught V's issues sooner. I know there isn't anything they could have done about it, but still knowing sooner might have .... I don't know. The other part of me just wants to see the baby again. :-) It is ultimately our decision to have the scan done, and being the planner that I am, I'd rather know now there was a risk of something than not know. I think. We're not planning to have any further testing even if something does come back abnormal, and we are definitely not going to even discuss terminating. That's not an issue.

In other news, I feel fat. I know, I know, it's pregnancy fat, but still... my pants don't fit. I have a stomach ache because my pants don't fit. I hate to complain because there are so many people out there who would love to be dealing with nausea and pants that don't fit and whatever else. It's just the money aspect. Everybody talks about how babies cost money, but no one mentions how expensive it is just to BE pregnant.

There are also so many choices when it comes to the things that babies need! Car seats alone have my head in a spin, and I just started looking at stuff today. Who would have thought that a car seat could expire?

In a separate rant, Matt totally has better titles for his blog posts than I do.

It's really real.

Yesterday was my initial doc appointment. I was nervous that we would get in there and there wouldn't be anything at all there! Those fears were not as quickly put to rest as I would have liked. The doc couldn’t find the heartbeat with the doppler and there is a huge gap between their EDD and mine, so she wanted to do a ultrasound to get some measurements. That would have been fine until she asks the nurse to see if the ultrasound tech can squeeze me in to check viability. That made me nervous. I'm amazed my blood pressue was normal! But it was a lot of worrying for nothing. We got to see the baby and it was the most amazing moment. I told the tech and Matt that they couldn't laugh at me if I cried. I measured in at 9 weeks 5 days, just two off of what I was guess-timating. Official due date is August 19. Heartbeat was 138, and the baby is currently balancing on its head. It waved at us and kicked its feet too.  Apparently, along with having a slightly arcuate uterus, my uterus is also slightly tilted back which is why the ultrasound tech thinks the doc couldn’t find the heartbeat externally. Everything looks good!!

AARGH.

Copied from a recent Ravelry post:

First a little background info. My husband and I work at a school for kids with special needs, mainly learning disabilities and autism with a bit of EBD (emotional-behavioral disability) thrown in for flavor. I do music for first through twelfth grade as well as provide special ed services for 26 high school students. DH is a one-on-one for a non-verbal first grader with autism. DH was laid off in August prior to the beginning of the school year due to budget issues (I referenced this in a different post about house buying), but rehired shortly after the beginning of the year to work this particular student. The student was evaluated to determine the need for a one-on-one in about November because the result of his annual meeting and re-evaluation determined he needed one, but one was not called for in his plan. On a day to day basis, DH works individually with this one student, helping him with classwork as best he can and also implements a seperate curriculum that the teacher and he have come up with. The ONE time that the school district came in to observe the teacher (stupidly) had DH working with a group of students with his one student working independently on a computer. Dumb dumb dumb.

We just got word this morning that funding for the one-on-one has been denied by the district. Funding was denied based on that one observation and the student’s attendance record. This means DH has a job until the team can meet again to remove the one-on-one from the IEP, I assume there is a timeline for this, and then unless funding is found, he will be out of a job. There is the possibility that he can be evaluated after four weeks to check his progress and see how he is doing and that evaluation may re-determine the need for the one-on-one, but there is no guarantee on that. Our head of school is planning to talk with the accountants to see if there is funding to keep him around through the end of the year, but again, no guarantees on that. So it is entirely possible that DH will not have a job soon.
There goes the house and any sense of stability for the next however long. I’m so upset right now; I really thought things were settling down and we were going to be able to buy a house this summer and have a nursery and all those fun things everyone gets to do when they have a baby. Now we’re going to have to figure out what the heck to do with the cats and clean up the guest room and try to create some sort of workable situation for the soon-to-be three (or five, if you count the cats) of us.

Boo. Today is gonna be a really productive day…

Still here....

It's kind of interesting how now that the focus of my life has shifted from dealing with infertility to "OMG, we're having a baby", I'm finding it harder to find things to write about here. I could write about how I'm slowly developing a knack from reading what my body needs whether it's Tums or food or water or a LifeSaver (best thing for nausea ever). Or how I detest sweets and meatballs, but am totally ecstatic about oranges with cottage cheese (two foods that I refused to eat for several years of my life). I suppose once I start to buy maternity clothes or take baby bump photos or buy baby stuff, I'll have more to write about. I anticipate writing lots following our initial OB appointment on the 20th (I can't wait!).

But now that we're here, having a baby, I don't feel like there is as much to document. Maybe I'll start writing letters to the baby, like that guy in the google commercial who sends e-mails to his little girl. I suppose it will be nice to keep track of how this pregnancy goes to compare it to any additional pregnancies, and to remind myself what we went through to get here.

But for awhile, it might be quiet here. And honestly, quiet wouldn't be a bad way to go through a pregnancy. Nothing exciting beyond the normal heartbeat and ultrasound pictures and belly shots. Quiet and peaceful; that's exactly how I want my pregnancy to be.

Gotta find me a new place to hang out

I love the ladies on the TTC board on Ravelry, but I think I need to stop hanging out there for at least awhile. I'd love to support others who are struggling, but right now, the horror stories are making me eternally paranoid. I squeeze my boobs whenever I'm alone (although Matt said they look more solid so it's not just my imagination that they look different), I am tense when I go to the bathroom, I'm concerned about a lack of nausea, I worry that my achy cramps are too achy or not achy enough.

I'm a bundle of nerves. And that can't be good for anything. I gotta find somewhere else to spend my internet time. Any suggestions?

I will not be obsessively worried.

TMI warning:::

I find myself obsessively checking my toilet paper every time I go to the bathroom just to make sure there isn't any blood signally a problem.

TMI over:::

I'll admit it; I'm a worrier. I worry about everything. And right now I'm worried that either isn't real or is going to end soon. I hadn't wanted to tell friends and family this weekend, but along with being a worrier, I'm a bad liar and trying to come up with reasons why I wasn't drinking or why I had constant heartburn was just too big of a challenge. 

So at approx. four weeks pregnant, we told a bunch of people. Close friends and family, and everyone is understanding that we don't want the news to be totally public yet. I figure we'll announce on FB after my first appointment in January. Of course, one of my friends couldn't resist the urge to tell us that we were announcing too soon. She bugs me though so I often ignore what she says, and after she left, all my other friends expressed annoyance that she had made that comment too.

But back to the worrying..... Matt said it himself last night that he thought I would be more bubbly and excited. With the uncertainty of that first test, it wasn't the instant, OMGwe'repregnant! that you expect. I'm getting more excited, and seeing how excited our family and friends are is helping too. But as much as being part of a community of women who have struggled with conception as we did has been supportive, it has put a sense of fear in me that I didn't realize I could have. Stories of miscarriages, blighted ovums, ectopic pregnancies, etc. are scary. And now that I am pregnant, there is a sense that I'm not exactly welcome with that group anymore.

It was reassuring to talk with a friend who had a baby in October and she could identify with how I was feeling. She said it didn't really feel real until at least seven months along. And that she worried at the beginning too. They told people early too, around 6 weeks. My symptoms are mirroring hers with cramping of the PMS kind. That's part of the reason she waited so long to test; she assumed her cramps were just PMS. 

But my husband has been my rock. I expressed all of these concerns to him in the car while driving home. We were discussing when/how to tell people. The best statement he made was something like, "When we tell people is not going to change what might happen. It's not going to jinx it or anything, and even if something happens and other people are upset, they will not be anywhere near as upset as we would be." That made me feel better. And I started thinking about all the people I know who haven't had a problem at all. I know the odds both ways. I'm gonna think positive and we are going to have a baby.

Man, that still sounds amazingly weird. It's like the first years after getting married. 

This is insane.

12/8/11: I've been waiting for my period to come, and so far, I haven't had any spotting even after sex which is usually a big clue that it's on its way. So I called the doc earlier this week, and after playing phone tag, we got scripts for progesterone and clomid called into Walgreens. We picked them up and I took the first progesterone pill after dinner last night.

Based on how I was feeling, I had tested Sunday morning and Monday night, but both of them were negative. I figured I would test once more this morning just to make sure before I started pumping my body full of drugs. So I got up this morning and tested, expected another solid BFN with one lovely super dark lonely control line in a pristine snow-white environment.

But what I found was a super dark control line with the faintest of faint test lines. Of course my camera was at school so I couldn’t take a good picture (my camera on my phone isn’t all that great and we currently have a light bulb out in the bathroom). So I barged in on my husband who was in the shower and flashed it at him, and even in the shower, he said he could see the line although he wasn’t sure if it was a line or an indent. I thought it looked pink which would match the color that would be expected.

So now I’m all freaked out and a little shaky inside. I'm not 100% sure I believe what I saw and I'm trying to tell myself that it was just an evaporation line, but I checked it as soon as the timer went off so I'm not sure how likely that is. It will probably be a weird fluke and tomorrow will be negative, but it's still throwing me off. I've been unable to focus on ANYTHING all day.


I feel like everything I’ve learned about pregnancy and conception went out the windows this morning.

This comes on the cusp of a conversation with my husband about how worried he is about money and whatnot.

12/9/11: Fast forward 24 hours and I am now three positive tests ahead of the game. I am officially pregnant. Holy shit, I'm pregnant. I'm still shaking a bit. Honestly, I'm not sure I've stopped completely since yesterday.

I had a long talk with the nurse at the doctor's office this morning and we went over the meds I can/can't take, tips for dealing with nausea, what I can drink (goodbye huge mug of tea every morning), what's going to potentially upset my stomach, when to make my first appointment, etc. I don't need the bloodwork that we had talked about yesterday since my positives have gotten increasingly more positive in the last 24 hours. Well, as long as nothing happens (severe cramping, bleeding) that I get concerned about. I'll schedule my first OB appointment for sometime in mid January.

The only thing the nurse seemed concerned about is being unable to pinpoint exactly where I am. My last period was 44 days ago. My nausea/boob tenderness/heartburn insanity started two, maybe three weeks ago, so we are guessing that that's when I ovulated. Especially since I got a negative on Sunday and then started getting positives yesterday. So from that counting, we're thinking two weeks pregnant/four weeks gestational. Depending on how the exam goes, my midwife might call for an early ultrasound to get a more accurate dating.

Oh my God...... I'm pregnant.