The baby is fine. I realize that post title makes it sound like something happened. She's fine. Kicking and punching on a pretty decent schedule.
My school will be closing at the end of the school year. We were hoping that something would work out over Spring Break, but the couple of potential situations just didn't pan out. So as of the end of June, I will be unemployed. More importantly or at least more worrisome, I will be uninsured.
As in, no insurance to pay for doctor's visits or lab tests or the freakin' delivery of my baby.
Yes, I'm sure I will qualify for unemployment and for state aid in whatever state I am living in, but I'm guessing that my options for maternity will not be at nearly the same level as the levels I am used to. Maybe that makes me sound a little snobbish, but I really don't care. I love my doc's office and the nurses and the benefits that my insurance affords me. I haven't paid for anything since getting pregnant. It's all been covered by my insurance, and I'm guessing that state aid isn't going to cover me that nicely if it's even accepted at that office.
I'm just scared at this point. I've never been fired or laid off in my entire life. We already knew we had to move this July, but without jobs, no place is going to give us a lease. We could try to find a place before the school year is over, but I am deathly afraid of signing a lease and then being stuck if we either find jobs elsewhere or don't find things and run out of money. It is looking more and more like we'll be moving back to IL, potentially in with my parents if we don't find something here.
And who the f*&^ is gonna hire someone who is going to need to be out for maternity leave for the first 6-8 weeks of the school year? On a 'good' day, I look quite pudgy; on a 'bad' day, I definitely look pregnant. My mom and others keep saying, 'if they really want you, they'll hire you regardless' but I'm not convinced. There are a lot of teachers in this town looking for work, why should they hire someone they're going to have to replace before I even start??
I think that's part of the reason that I haven't started looking yet. I don't do well with rejection. I guess I'm just soo scared of change at this point. And I am paralyzed by fear. I've never felt like this before. Things have never been so up in the air; I've always had a plan. And it's not just us anymore. There is this little person who will be completely dependent on us for everything, and right now, we're not sure we're going to have a place to live when she's born. I'll be thirty-one, unemployed, potentially under-insured, and essentially homeless. Moving back in with mom and dad with the husband and baby was not in my life plans.
So I'm stuck. I even skipped knitting tonight to 'work on job hunt stuff'. What have I actually done? Nothing, watched TV, and played around on-line. Nothing.
Why does something always fall apart?
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
And the words of the day are . . . . . .
It's a girl!
Yes, my friends, we are having a girl. Our anatomy scan was this past Friday, and we were super excited to find out that the lovely little one in my belly is a girl. Matt was hoping we would have a girl, and while I wasn't really hoping for anything specific (beyond ten fingers and ten toes), I did have one dream in which our baby was a girl. So yeah for girls and girly Easter dresses and bonnets and ruffles..... in colors other than pink.
More importantly, the baby looks healthy. She's got the organs she's supposed to, all of her limbs are measuring right on track, and she's weighing in around 13 oz which depending on which chart you look at, is either right on track or a little bit ahead of the game. The only potential issue which isn't really an issue right now unless something goes very very wrong is that she is currently in a breech position. Her head is right under my belly button at this point. The tech noted it in the pictures, but the doctor didn't mention it so I'm not too worried. She's still got plenty of time and space in which to turn. It means that much of the movement I've been feeling have been punches, not kicks. It also made some of the pictures a little bit harder to get so there will be another ultrasound at my 24 week appointment. Bummer.... what a shame... I get to see my baby again.... shucks.... I'm so upset. Did I lay on the sarcasm think enough?
According to the doctor's scale, I've reached my pre-pregnancy weight, but that is at 2:00 in the afternoon after breakfasts #1 and #2 as well as lunch so I'm guessing I'm still a little under. No one is concerned or even really paying attention to it (other than me, I guess). I keep reading on Ravelry that the other women have gained 5, 10, 15, even 20 pounds, so maybe I'm just feeling a little left out? Honestly, though, the less I gain, the less I have to lose later, so I shouldn't worry. I'm hoping to start exercising a little bit, even if it's just taking walks after week 24 or so, that should help with controlling the weight too. Matt keeps encouraging me to eat whenever and whatever sounds good; I think he's worried that in general I'm just not eating enough. Oh well..... we'll be fine.
Baby girl likes ice cream a lot, and will throw a party following a bowl of such. Especially at 11:30 when I'm trying to sleep. Yesterday while we were driving, it felt like she was doing some of sort of yoga position in there that involved pressing her spine as far forward as possible. She had her back to my front when we were at the doctor's office, so I can only imagine that was her spine pressing on me that I was feeling in a straight line.
The ultrasound tech wasn't able to get a good profile shot (one of the pictures that they need to redo at the next appointment) so here is one of the creepy face-forward shots that makes every single baby in the world look like Skeletor. It's a better shot of her skull.
Actually this other one isn't so bad, and as Matt put it, "if she looks like Skeletor, at least that means she's got a skeleton." You can see more facial features, her shoulder/arm (hopefully those shoulders will hold up better than her mom or dad's shoulders), and some ribs and spine. You can also kinda see the outline of her torso.
Lookin' good, kiddo, lookin' good.
Yes, my friends, we are having a girl. Our anatomy scan was this past Friday, and we were super excited to find out that the lovely little one in my belly is a girl. Matt was hoping we would have a girl, and while I wasn't really hoping for anything specific (beyond ten fingers and ten toes), I did have one dream in which our baby was a girl. So yeah for girls and girly Easter dresses and bonnets and ruffles..... in colors other than pink.
More importantly, the baby looks healthy. She's got the organs she's supposed to, all of her limbs are measuring right on track, and she's weighing in around 13 oz which depending on which chart you look at, is either right on track or a little bit ahead of the game. The only potential issue which isn't really an issue right now unless something goes very very wrong is that she is currently in a breech position. Her head is right under my belly button at this point. The tech noted it in the pictures, but the doctor didn't mention it so I'm not too worried. She's still got plenty of time and space in which to turn. It means that much of the movement I've been feeling have been punches, not kicks. It also made some of the pictures a little bit harder to get so there will be another ultrasound at my 24 week appointment. Bummer.... what a shame... I get to see my baby again.... shucks.... I'm so upset. Did I lay on the sarcasm think enough?
According to the doctor's scale, I've reached my pre-pregnancy weight, but that is at 2:00 in the afternoon after breakfasts #1 and #2 as well as lunch so I'm guessing I'm still a little under. No one is concerned or even really paying attention to it (other than me, I guess). I keep reading on Ravelry that the other women have gained 5, 10, 15, even 20 pounds, so maybe I'm just feeling a little left out? Honestly, though, the less I gain, the less I have to lose later, so I shouldn't worry. I'm hoping to start exercising a little bit, even if it's just taking walks after week 24 or so, that should help with controlling the weight too. Matt keeps encouraging me to eat whenever and whatever sounds good; I think he's worried that in general I'm just not eating enough. Oh well..... we'll be fine.
Baby girl likes ice cream a lot, and will throw a party following a bowl of such. Especially at 11:30 when I'm trying to sleep. Yesterday while we were driving, it felt like she was doing some of sort of yoga position in there that involved pressing her spine as far forward as possible. She had her back to my front when we were at the doctor's office, so I can only imagine that was her spine pressing on me that I was feeling in a straight line.
The ultrasound tech wasn't able to get a good profile shot (one of the pictures that they need to redo at the next appointment) so here is one of the creepy face-forward shots that makes every single baby in the world look like Skeletor. It's a better shot of her skull.
Actually this other one isn't so bad, and as Matt put it, "if she looks like Skeletor, at least that means she's got a skeleton." You can see more facial features, her shoulder/arm (hopefully those shoulders will hold up better than her mom or dad's shoulders), and some ribs and spine. You can also kinda see the outline of her torso.
Lookin' good, kiddo, lookin' good.
Monday, April 2, 2012
20 weeks
It is a scary thought to imagine something the size of a cantaloupe in my belly.
As of yesterday, I am officially 20 weeks along. One fruit measuring thing says there's a cantaloupe in there. Another one says it's a banana. I'm choosing to go with a curled up banana (baby) inside of a cantaloupe (uterus). I'm trying not to think about the fact that week 40 is a watermelon. Eek.
We set up our first registry on Saturday. It's a lot harder than it seems to register for someone you've never met. I have no idea what kind of pacifier this baby is going to want or which bottle will work the best. We got a car seat and two bases from a family member in town plus a crib mattress, a bumbo chair with a tray, and a Moby wrap. Suddenly having a car seat makes this all seem so much more real. It's crazy.
We have our big anatomy scan on Friday. We are planning to find out what it is, assuming that the baby cooperates. Matt's still hoping for a girl, and while I honestly don't care either way as long as it's healthy, I'm kinda leaning that way. Mainly I just want ten fingers and toes. There are definitely feet in there; I can tell you that much. We've got a pretty good schedule going of kicking. 10:30ish, lunch time, 3:00, 7:00, and 10:00. I don't feel much during the night once I'm in bed or early in the morning, so maybe we'll get lucky and baby will end up being a night owl like mommy. Matt also thought he felt the baby kick in the last few days. He's starting using the crazy comments that I say as his FB status. Last night, I made the comment (I don't even remember what the context was) that I was 200% human. I also said something about feeling like I was being tickled from the inside. He's cute. I feel bad that I was a bitch to him this morning.
In other news, we have at least three showers planned for this baby. My mom's side has already scheduled one for Memorial Day weekend, dinner party crowd is planning one for June, and a friend from work is planning do a luncheon in early July which I assume will be mainly work friends. My mom is guessing that my dad's side will do something at the end of June when most of the family is in town for the fishing trip, and I haven't figured out which ones we're going to invite Matt's family to. I would guess we'd invite Jennifer (the family member who gave us stuff above) to whatever my dad's side does since that would be the closest event for her, but beyond that....... I'm not sure what we're gonna do. My mom told me not to worry about it, but it's nice to have something to worry about that I can actually control.
We had some money drama this weekend. On the good side, our tax return this year is great. On the down side, car repairs created another hefty bill. Oh well, at least it happened now while we still have jobs and the tax return to use and not this summer right before the baby when we're not getting paid and potentially may not have jobs for the fall.
I probably won't post again until after my scan on Friday. We'll be out of town so it'll probably be a non-picture post if I post over the weekend. I'll upload pictures when we get back from Columbus.
As of yesterday, I am officially 20 weeks along. One fruit measuring thing says there's a cantaloupe in there. Another one says it's a banana. I'm choosing to go with a curled up banana (baby) inside of a cantaloupe (uterus). I'm trying not to think about the fact that week 40 is a watermelon. Eek.
We set up our first registry on Saturday. It's a lot harder than it seems to register for someone you've never met. I have no idea what kind of pacifier this baby is going to want or which bottle will work the best. We got a car seat and two bases from a family member in town plus a crib mattress, a bumbo chair with a tray, and a Moby wrap. Suddenly having a car seat makes this all seem so much more real. It's crazy.
We have our big anatomy scan on Friday. We are planning to find out what it is, assuming that the baby cooperates. Matt's still hoping for a girl, and while I honestly don't care either way as long as it's healthy, I'm kinda leaning that way. Mainly I just want ten fingers and toes. There are definitely feet in there; I can tell you that much. We've got a pretty good schedule going of kicking. 10:30ish, lunch time, 3:00, 7:00, and 10:00. I don't feel much during the night once I'm in bed or early in the morning, so maybe we'll get lucky and baby will end up being a night owl like mommy. Matt also thought he felt the baby kick in the last few days. He's starting using the crazy comments that I say as his FB status. Last night, I made the comment (I don't even remember what the context was) that I was 200% human. I also said something about feeling like I was being tickled from the inside. He's cute. I feel bad that I was a bitch to him this morning.
In other news, we have at least three showers planned for this baby. My mom's side has already scheduled one for Memorial Day weekend, dinner party crowd is planning one for June, and a friend from work is planning do a luncheon in early July which I assume will be mainly work friends. My mom is guessing that my dad's side will do something at the end of June when most of the family is in town for the fishing trip, and I haven't figured out which ones we're going to invite Matt's family to. I would guess we'd invite Jennifer (the family member who gave us stuff above) to whatever my dad's side does since that would be the closest event for her, but beyond that....... I'm not sure what we're gonna do. My mom told me not to worry about it, but it's nice to have something to worry about that I can actually control.
We had some money drama this weekend. On the good side, our tax return this year is great. On the down side, car repairs created another hefty bill. Oh well, at least it happened now while we still have jobs and the tax return to use and not this summer right before the baby when we're not getting paid and potentially may not have jobs for the fall.
I probably won't post again until after my scan on Friday. We'll be out of town so it'll probably be a non-picture post if I post over the weekend. I'll upload pictures when we get back from Columbus.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Lame-O.
Even with something as exciting as a baby to blog about, I am still totally failing at consistency.
Quick recap: I had my 16ish week check-up at the beginning of the month. Things look good. I did gain some weight, but I’m still below my pre-pregnancy weight. I got to hear the heartbeat. It was actually kinda funny. He couldn’t find it closer to my belly button (we did hear movement) even though things felt solid up there so he moved a little lower. Didn’t have a problem finding it down there, of course, but then he grabs my hand and checks my pulse. He gives me a smile and says that the heartbeat is around 130, but he wanted to make sure that it wasn’t mine having jumped super high at not finding the heartbeat right away. When he did find the heartbeat, it was steady but a little faint. He told me that wasn’t a problem, just meant the baby wasn’t directly under the doppler. As if on cue, the heartbeat suddenly got significantly stronger and the doctor laughed, saying the baby had just slide into the doppler sweet spot. I scheduled our big 20-week ultrasound for April 6!! We’ll get to find out what we’re having! I have also been feeling the baby kicking on a pretty regular schedule for about the last week or so. It's soo cool.
I've been looking at different baby things and ideas. We're going to try to stay as gender neutral as possible (I hate pink) so we're gathering ideas. Haven't done any registering yet, but since over the last few days, plans have been set into works for at least three baby showers, we should probably get on that. I've got ideas pinned on Pinterest which is helping me and now that my mom is finally on there, she can see what we're looking at too. So things are looking good on the baby front, for the most part. Still haven't started the child care search but right now that's out of my hands, so I'm not going to worry for the moment.
The reason that child care is out of my hands is because I'm not sure we're going to have a school next year. The City charter application got denied, so we are in a limbo place right now. They like us, but need us to have a good audit for a full year before they can back us which means at least two more years with our current district. Not good. Plus they are raising the rent here without raising the number of kids, so money will be even tighter if we are open. I should be getting a promotion for next year, but if we're not open........ In addition, I'm tired of always having things to complain about at work. It's getting ridiculous.
I try to be positive, but I'm running out of positive.
I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but I am just not sure I can anymore.
I almost wonder if the stress of trying to find a new job would be less than the stress of dealing with my current work situation.
Almost.
My mom wants me to send her my resume so she can pass it around down there. That would be helpful, but I don't really want to move down there. I love my parents, but I really love living in Milwaukee. We have friends here, groups that we are part of, a church we like (even if we don't get there as often as we should), and I'm not sure I want to live that close to my parents. On the other hand, moving back to IL would include almost free child care. And probably a pay raise (which would be balanced by the higher cost of living).
And grad school is kicking my butt right now too. I'm not sure how I'm going to get my thesis written by October, and the class I'm taking right now is just a crazy bunch of math that's making me feel dumb and so far, hasn't helped with writing my thesis or the project for the class.
Overall, my life is making crazy.
So when my mom says to me, "you should really just chill out and calm down", I don't think I'm out of line to get upset with her. I mean, I was crying when I said it, and I did feel bad afterward, but still......
Luckily, Matt knows better.
On one last note, I'm doing a book club. I'm not sure I've ever done a book club. Ever. So I'm excited. And it 's online, so I don't even have to make time to go somewhere. Details are here. There is still time to sign up!!
Quick recap: I had my 16ish week check-up at the beginning of the month. Things look good. I did gain some weight, but I’m still below my pre-pregnancy weight. I got to hear the heartbeat. It was actually kinda funny. He couldn’t find it closer to my belly button (we did hear movement) even though things felt solid up there so he moved a little lower. Didn’t have a problem finding it down there, of course, but then he grabs my hand and checks my pulse. He gives me a smile and says that the heartbeat is around 130, but he wanted to make sure that it wasn’t mine having jumped super high at not finding the heartbeat right away. When he did find the heartbeat, it was steady but a little faint. He told me that wasn’t a problem, just meant the baby wasn’t directly under the doppler. As if on cue, the heartbeat suddenly got significantly stronger and the doctor laughed, saying the baby had just slide into the doppler sweet spot. I scheduled our big 20-week ultrasound for April 6!! We’ll get to find out what we’re having! I have also been feeling the baby kicking on a pretty regular schedule for about the last week or so. It's soo cool.
I've been looking at different baby things and ideas. We're going to try to stay as gender neutral as possible (I hate pink) so we're gathering ideas. Haven't done any registering yet, but since over the last few days, plans have been set into works for at least three baby showers, we should probably get on that. I've got ideas pinned on Pinterest which is helping me and now that my mom is finally on there, she can see what we're looking at too. So things are looking good on the baby front, for the most part. Still haven't started the child care search but right now that's out of my hands, so I'm not going to worry for the moment.
The reason that child care is out of my hands is because I'm not sure we're going to have a school next year. The City charter application got denied, so we are in a limbo place right now. They like us, but need us to have a good audit for a full year before they can back us which means at least two more years with our current district. Not good. Plus they are raising the rent here without raising the number of kids, so money will be even tighter if we are open. I should be getting a promotion for next year, but if we're not open........ In addition, I'm tired of always having things to complain about at work. It's getting ridiculous.
I try to be positive, but I'm running out of positive.
I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but I am just not sure I can anymore.
I almost wonder if the stress of trying to find a new job would be less than the stress of dealing with my current work situation.
Almost.
My mom wants me to send her my resume so she can pass it around down there. That would be helpful, but I don't really want to move down there. I love my parents, but I really love living in Milwaukee. We have friends here, groups that we are part of, a church we like (even if we don't get there as often as we should), and I'm not sure I want to live that close to my parents. On the other hand, moving back to IL would include almost free child care. And probably a pay raise (which would be balanced by the higher cost of living).
And grad school is kicking my butt right now too. I'm not sure how I'm going to get my thesis written by October, and the class I'm taking right now is just a crazy bunch of math that's making me feel dumb and so far, hasn't helped with writing my thesis or the project for the class.
Overall, my life is making crazy.
So when my mom says to me, "you should really just chill out and calm down", I don't think I'm out of line to get upset with her. I mean, I was crying when I said it, and I did feel bad afterward, but still......
Luckily, Matt knows better.
On one last note, I'm doing a book club. I'm not sure I've ever done a book club. Ever. So I'm excited. And it 's online, so I don't even have to make time to go somewhere. Details are here. There is still time to sign up!!
Monday, March 19, 2012
Sunday, February 26, 2012
PAIL
I posted earlier this weekend about PAIL: Parenting/Pregnant After Infertility & Loss. I decided that I would go ahead and join and if I decided that I didn't quite fit, I could always leave. So I have a PAIL button my blog, and here is another link to the list: PAIL. Check it out if you're interested.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
I know I worry
I've posted previously about needing time away from the TTC boards on Ravelry. I'm not worrying as much about the horrible things that could go wrong. I'll be 15 weeks tomorrow, we've heard the heartbeat, seen the baby twice and everything is measuring like it should. So on that front, I've gotten a bit better. Until I hear another a horror story that happens to someone I indirectly know through someone that I kinda sorta know on a blog. Another blogger lost her baby boy at 22 weeks this week. It totally threw me. I didn't really know her, didn't know much about her, yet after a brief annoying conversation with a co-worker on Wednesday morning, I broke down and cried for 15 minutes. It's just a sharp reminder that you're never really out of the clear. Granted, I have no history of miscarriage or anything like that, in contrast to that blogger (not that her loss is her fault, that's not what I'm saying AT ALL). But I just don't have the same risk factors. Then you read another story about someone who lost their baby at 36 weeks! Perfectly normal pregnancy, and at 36 weeks, there was no heartbeat. These stories tear me up. So I worry.
I also worry that someday when we try to have another baby, we're going to have the same issues all over again. I suppose, that's if we decide to have another baby. Honestly, my first three months have not been the greatest. Hopefully the rest will be a bit better. As much as I feel like we struggled, I know that I just don't have the same infertility story that many people do. We only tried for a year before we conceived. Others try for years before becoming successful and that's if they ever do. I feel like I don't fit that label. I expressed my concerns to my doc sooner than a year, but that was at her suggestion, honestly. And yes, we did end up needing interventions to get pregnant. But nothing near what others have had to fight.
Sex on a schedule becomes a chore. Charting and OPKs are a pain. Metformin made me sick for a week, gave me the shakes when my blood sugar got low, and overall didn't do much. But there were no extra pills beyond Metformin (bought them, never got a chance to take them), no injections, no IUI cycles. I was bummed when I got my period (or got a BFN), but kept telling myself it had only been six months, nine months, almost a year.
I bring this up because one of the blogs that I read regularly is starting a group called PAIL: Parenting/Pregnancy After Infertility and Loss. I'm just not sure where I fit there. I worked a lot harder than many of my friends to get pregnant, but not nearly as hard as some other people. And as much as I wonder sometimes about that horrible period I had last year (I seriously though my entire uterus was going to come out, there was so much blood and it was so heavy and clotty and so much cramping), I don't think I've suffered a loss. So I'm not sure if I have a legitimate claim to joining. I might wait awhile and see how things go. At least follow the group, see if anyone else fits the goofy place I'm in.
Getting pregnant was not a walk in the park, but it was definitely not a three year climb, barefoot, up-hill both ways.
I also worry that someday when we try to have another baby, we're going to have the same issues all over again. I suppose, that's if we decide to have another baby. Honestly, my first three months have not been the greatest. Hopefully the rest will be a bit better. As much as I feel like we struggled, I know that I just don't have the same infertility story that many people do. We only tried for a year before we conceived. Others try for years before becoming successful and that's if they ever do. I feel like I don't fit that label. I expressed my concerns to my doc sooner than a year, but that was at her suggestion, honestly. And yes, we did end up needing interventions to get pregnant. But nothing near what others have had to fight.
Sex on a schedule becomes a chore. Charting and OPKs are a pain. Metformin made me sick for a week, gave me the shakes when my blood sugar got low, and overall didn't do much. But there were no extra pills beyond Metformin (bought them, never got a chance to take them), no injections, no IUI cycles. I was bummed when I got my period (or got a BFN), but kept telling myself it had only been six months, nine months, almost a year.
I bring this up because one of the blogs that I read regularly is starting a group called PAIL: Parenting/Pregnancy After Infertility and Loss. I'm just not sure where I fit there. I worked a lot harder than many of my friends to get pregnant, but not nearly as hard as some other people. And as much as I wonder sometimes about that horrible period I had last year (I seriously though my entire uterus was going to come out, there was so much blood and it was so heavy and clotty and so much cramping), I don't think I've suffered a loss. So I'm not sure if I have a legitimate claim to joining. I might wait awhile and see how things go. At least follow the group, see if anyone else fits the goofy place I'm in.
Getting pregnant was not a walk in the park, but it was definitely not a three year climb, barefoot, up-hill both ways.
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