Saturday, February 25, 2012

I know I worry

I've posted previously about needing time away from the TTC boards on Ravelry. I'm not worrying as much about the horrible things that could go wrong. I'll be 15 weeks tomorrow, we've heard the heartbeat, seen the baby twice and everything is measuring like it should. So on that front, I've gotten a bit better. Until I hear another a horror story that happens to someone I indirectly know through someone that I kinda sorta know on a blog. Another blogger lost her baby boy at 22 weeks this week. It totally threw me. I didn't really know her, didn't know much about her, yet after a brief annoying conversation with a co-worker on Wednesday morning, I broke down and cried for 15 minutes. It's just a sharp reminder that you're never really out of the clear. Granted, I have no history of miscarriage or anything like that, in contrast to that blogger (not that her loss is her fault, that's not what I'm saying AT ALL). But I just don't have the same risk factors. Then you read another story about someone who lost their baby at 36 weeks! Perfectly normal pregnancy, and at 36 weeks, there was no heartbeat. These stories tear me up. So I worry.

I also worry that someday when we try to have another baby, we're going to have the same issues all over again. I suppose, that's if we decide to have another baby. Honestly, my first three months have not been the greatest. Hopefully the rest will be a bit better. As much as I feel like we struggled, I know that I just don't have the same infertility story that many people do. We only tried for a year before we conceived. Others try for years before becoming successful and that's if they ever do. I feel like I don't fit that label. I expressed my concerns to my doc sooner than a year, but that was at her suggestion, honestly. And yes, we did end up needing interventions to get pregnant. But nothing near what others have had to fight.

Sex on a schedule becomes a chore. Charting and OPKs are a pain. Metformin made me sick for a week, gave me the shakes when my blood sugar got low, and overall didn't do much. But there were no extra pills beyond Metformin (bought them, never got a chance to take them), no injections, no IUI cycles. I was bummed when I got my period (or got a BFN), but kept telling myself it had only been six months, nine months, almost a year.

I bring this up because one of the blogs that I read regularly is starting a group called PAIL: Parenting/Pregnancy After Infertility and Loss. I'm just not sure where I fit there. I worked a lot harder than many of my friends to get pregnant, but not nearly as hard as some other people. And as much as I wonder sometimes about that horrible period I had last year (I seriously though my entire uterus was going to come out, there was so much blood and it was so heavy and clotty and so much cramping), I don't think I've suffered a loss. So I'm not sure if I have a legitimate claim to joining. I might wait awhile and see how things go. At least follow the group, see if anyone else fits the goofy place I'm in.

Getting pregnant was not a walk in the park, but it was definitely not a three year climb, barefoot, up-hill both ways.

1 comment:

  1. Please don't feel like you don't belong at all--if you've walked that road, no matter how short of long of understanding the fear of never having a baby, you belong. My journey was also fairly 'easy' compared to many, but I know what it's like. As I said in my post, it's more about an attitude than a set of criteria you must meet. I'm so glad you joined. And I know how hard it can be to hear about the losses of others when you're pregnant yourself--it's SO scary. That is completely normal.