Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Gotta find me a new place to hang out

I love the ladies on the TTC board on Ravelry, but I think I need to stop hanging out there for at least awhile. I'd love to support others who are struggling, but right now, the horror stories are making me eternally paranoid. I squeeze my boobs whenever I'm alone (although Matt said they look more solid so it's not just my imagination that they look different), I am tense when I go to the bathroom, I'm concerned about a lack of nausea, I worry that my achy cramps are too achy or not achy enough.

I'm a bundle of nerves. And that can't be good for anything. I gotta find somewhere else to spend my internet time. Any suggestions?

Sunday, December 11, 2011

I will not be obsessively worried.

TMI warning:::
I find myself obsessively checking my toilet paper every time I go to the bathroom just to make sure there isn't any blood signally a problem.

TMI over:::
I'll admit it; I'm a worrier. I worry about everything. And right now I'm worried that either isn't real or is going to end soon. I hadn't wanted to tell friends and family this weekend, but along with being a worrier, I'm a bad liar and trying to come up with reasons why I wasn't drinking or why I had constant heartburn was just too big of a challenge. 
So at approx. four weeks pregnant, we told a bunch of people. Close friends and family, and everyone is understanding that we don't want the news to be totally public yet. I figure we'll announce on FB after my first appointment in January. Of course, one of my friends couldn't resist the urge to tell us that we were announcing too soon. She bugs me though so I often ignore what she says, and after she left, all my other friends expressed annoyance that she had made that comment too.

But back to the worrying..... Matt said it himself last night that he thought I would be more bubbly and excited. With the uncertainty of that first test, it wasn't the instant, OMGwe'repregnant! that you expect. I'm getting more excited, and seeing how excited our family and friends are is helping too. But as much as being part of a community of women who have struggled with conception as we did has been supportive, it has put a sense of fear in me that I didn't realize I could have. Stories of miscarriages, blighted ovums, ectopic pregnancies, etc. are scary. And now that I am pregnant, there is a sense that I'm not exactly welcome with that group anymore.
It was reassuring to talk with a friend who had a baby in October and she could identify with how I was feeling. She said it didn't really feel real until at least seven months along. And that she worried at the beginning too. They told people early too, around 6 weeks. My symptoms are mirroring hers with cramping of the PMS kind. That's part of the reason she waited so long to test; she assumed her cramps were just PMS. 

But my husband has been my rock. I expressed all of these concerns to him in the car while driving home. We were discussing when/how to tell people. The best statement he made was something like, "When we tell people is not going to change what might happen. It's not going to jinx it or anything, and even if something happens and other people are upset, they will not be anywhere near as upset as we would be." That made me feel better. And I started thinking about all the people I know who haven't had a problem at all. I know the odds both ways. I'm gonna think positive and we are going to have a baby.

Man, that still sounds amazingly weird. It's like the first years after getting married. 

This is insane.

12/8/11: I've been waiting for my period to come, and so far, I haven't had any spotting even after sex which is usually a big clue that it's on its way. So I called the doc earlier this week, and after playing phone tag, we got scripts for progesterone and clomid called into Walgreens. We picked them up and I took the first progesterone pill after dinner last night.

Based on how I was feeling, I had tested Sunday morning and Monday night, but both of them were negative. I figured I would test once more this morning just to make sure before I started pumping my body full of drugs. So I got up this morning and tested, expected another solid BFN with one lovely super dark lonely control line in a pristine snow-white environment.

But what I found was a super dark control line with the faintest of faint test lines. Of course my camera was at school so I couldn’t take a good picture (my camera on my phone isn’t all that great and we currently have a light bulb out in the bathroom). So I barged in on my husband who was in the shower and flashed it at him, and even in the shower, he said he could see the line although he wasn’t sure if it was a line or an indent. I thought it looked pink which would match the color that would be expected.

So now I’m all freaked out and a little shaky inside. I'm not 100% sure I believe what I saw and I'm trying to tell myself that it was just an evaporation line, but I checked it as soon as the timer went off so I'm not sure how likely that is. It will probably be a weird fluke and tomorrow will be negative, but it's still throwing me off. I've been unable to focus on ANYTHING all day.

I feel like everything I’ve learned about pregnancy and conception went out the windows this morning.

This comes on the cusp of a conversation with my husband about how worried he is about money and whatnot.

12/9/11: Fast forward 24 hours and I am now three positive tests ahead of the game. I am officially pregnant. Holy shit, I'm pregnant. I'm still shaking a bit. Honestly, I'm not sure I've stopped completely since yesterday.

I had a long talk with the nurse at the doctor's office this morning and we went over the meds I can/can't take, tips for dealing with nausea, what I can drink (goodbye huge mug of tea every morning), what's going to potentially upset my stomach, when to make my first appointment, etc. I don't need the bloodwork that we had talked about yesterday since my positives have gotten increasingly more positive in the last 24 hours. Well, as long as nothing happens (severe cramping, bleeding) that I get concerned about. I'll schedule my first OB appointment for sometime in mid January.

The only thing the nurse seemed concerned about is being unable to pinpoint exactly where I am. My last period was 44 days ago. My nausea/boob tenderness/heartburn insanity started two, maybe three weeks ago, so we are guessing that that's when I ovulated. Especially since I got a negative on Sunday and then started getting positives yesterday. So from that counting, we're thinking two weeks pregnant/four weeks gestational. Depending on how the exam goes, my midwife might call for an early ultrasound to get a more accurate dating.

Oh my God...... I'm pregnant.