Sunday, December 11, 2011

I will not be obsessively worried.

TMI warning:::
I find myself obsessively checking my toilet paper every time I go to the bathroom just to make sure there isn't any blood signally a problem.

TMI over:::
I'll admit it; I'm a worrier. I worry about everything. And right now I'm worried that either isn't real or is going to end soon. I hadn't wanted to tell friends and family this weekend, but along with being a worrier, I'm a bad liar and trying to come up with reasons why I wasn't drinking or why I had constant heartburn was just too big of a challenge. 
So at approx. four weeks pregnant, we told a bunch of people. Close friends and family, and everyone is understanding that we don't want the news to be totally public yet. I figure we'll announce on FB after my first appointment in January. Of course, one of my friends couldn't resist the urge to tell us that we were announcing too soon. She bugs me though so I often ignore what she says, and after she left, all my other friends expressed annoyance that she had made that comment too.

But back to the worrying..... Matt said it himself last night that he thought I would be more bubbly and excited. With the uncertainty of that first test, it wasn't the instant, OMGwe'repregnant! that you expect. I'm getting more excited, and seeing how excited our family and friends are is helping too. But as much as being part of a community of women who have struggled with conception as we did has been supportive, it has put a sense of fear in me that I didn't realize I could have. Stories of miscarriages, blighted ovums, ectopic pregnancies, etc. are scary. And now that I am pregnant, there is a sense that I'm not exactly welcome with that group anymore.
It was reassuring to talk with a friend who had a baby in October and she could identify with how I was feeling. She said it didn't really feel real until at least seven months along. And that she worried at the beginning too. They told people early too, around 6 weeks. My symptoms are mirroring hers with cramping of the PMS kind. That's part of the reason she waited so long to test; she assumed her cramps were just PMS. 

But my husband has been my rock. I expressed all of these concerns to him in the car while driving home. We were discussing when/how to tell people. The best statement he made was something like, "When we tell people is not going to change what might happen. It's not going to jinx it or anything, and even if something happens and other people are upset, they will not be anywhere near as upset as we would be." That made me feel better. And I started thinking about all the people I know who haven't had a problem at all. I know the odds both ways. I'm gonna think positive and we are going to have a baby.

Man, that still sounds amazingly weird. It's like the first years after getting married. 

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