Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Gotta find me a new place to hang out

I love the ladies on the TTC board on Ravelry, but I think I need to stop hanging out there for at least awhile. I'd love to support others who are struggling, but right now, the horror stories are making me eternally paranoid. I squeeze my boobs whenever I'm alone (although Matt said they look more solid so it's not just my imagination that they look different), I am tense when I go to the bathroom, I'm concerned about a lack of nausea, I worry that my achy cramps are too achy or not achy enough.

I'm a bundle of nerves. And that can't be good for anything. I gotta find somewhere else to spend my internet time. Any suggestions?

Sunday, December 11, 2011

I will not be obsessively worried.

TMI warning:::
I find myself obsessively checking my toilet paper every time I go to the bathroom just to make sure there isn't any blood signally a problem.

TMI over:::
I'll admit it; I'm a worrier. I worry about everything. And right now I'm worried that either isn't real or is going to end soon. I hadn't wanted to tell friends and family this weekend, but along with being a worrier, I'm a bad liar and trying to come up with reasons why I wasn't drinking or why I had constant heartburn was just too big of a challenge. 
So at approx. four weeks pregnant, we told a bunch of people. Close friends and family, and everyone is understanding that we don't want the news to be totally public yet. I figure we'll announce on FB after my first appointment in January. Of course, one of my friends couldn't resist the urge to tell us that we were announcing too soon. She bugs me though so I often ignore what she says, and after she left, all my other friends expressed annoyance that she had made that comment too.

But back to the worrying..... Matt said it himself last night that he thought I would be more bubbly and excited. With the uncertainty of that first test, it wasn't the instant, OMGwe'repregnant! that you expect. I'm getting more excited, and seeing how excited our family and friends are is helping too. But as much as being part of a community of women who have struggled with conception as we did has been supportive, it has put a sense of fear in me that I didn't realize I could have. Stories of miscarriages, blighted ovums, ectopic pregnancies, etc. are scary. And now that I am pregnant, there is a sense that I'm not exactly welcome with that group anymore.
It was reassuring to talk with a friend who had a baby in October and she could identify with how I was feeling. She said it didn't really feel real until at least seven months along. And that she worried at the beginning too. They told people early too, around 6 weeks. My symptoms are mirroring hers with cramping of the PMS kind. That's part of the reason she waited so long to test; she assumed her cramps were just PMS. 

But my husband has been my rock. I expressed all of these concerns to him in the car while driving home. We were discussing when/how to tell people. The best statement he made was something like, "When we tell people is not going to change what might happen. It's not going to jinx it or anything, and even if something happens and other people are upset, they will not be anywhere near as upset as we would be." That made me feel better. And I started thinking about all the people I know who haven't had a problem at all. I know the odds both ways. I'm gonna think positive and we are going to have a baby.

Man, that still sounds amazingly weird. It's like the first years after getting married. 

This is insane.

12/8/11: I've been waiting for my period to come, and so far, I haven't had any spotting even after sex which is usually a big clue that it's on its way. So I called the doc earlier this week, and after playing phone tag, we got scripts for progesterone and clomid called into Walgreens. We picked them up and I took the first progesterone pill after dinner last night.

Based on how I was feeling, I had tested Sunday morning and Monday night, but both of them were negative. I figured I would test once more this morning just to make sure before I started pumping my body full of drugs. So I got up this morning and tested, expected another solid BFN with one lovely super dark lonely control line in a pristine snow-white environment.

But what I found was a super dark control line with the faintest of faint test lines. Of course my camera was at school so I couldn’t take a good picture (my camera on my phone isn’t all that great and we currently have a light bulb out in the bathroom). So I barged in on my husband who was in the shower and flashed it at him, and even in the shower, he said he could see the line although he wasn’t sure if it was a line or an indent. I thought it looked pink which would match the color that would be expected.

So now I’m all freaked out and a little shaky inside. I'm not 100% sure I believe what I saw and I'm trying to tell myself that it was just an evaporation line, but I checked it as soon as the timer went off so I'm not sure how likely that is. It will probably be a weird fluke and tomorrow will be negative, but it's still throwing me off. I've been unable to focus on ANYTHING all day.

I feel like everything I’ve learned about pregnancy and conception went out the windows this morning.

This comes on the cusp of a conversation with my husband about how worried he is about money and whatnot.

12/9/11: Fast forward 24 hours and I am now three positive tests ahead of the game. I am officially pregnant. Holy shit, I'm pregnant. I'm still shaking a bit. Honestly, I'm not sure I've stopped completely since yesterday.

I had a long talk with the nurse at the doctor's office this morning and we went over the meds I can/can't take, tips for dealing with nausea, what I can drink (goodbye huge mug of tea every morning), what's going to potentially upset my stomach, when to make my first appointment, etc. I don't need the bloodwork that we had talked about yesterday since my positives have gotten increasingly more positive in the last 24 hours. Well, as long as nothing happens (severe cramping, bleeding) that I get concerned about. I'll schedule my first OB appointment for sometime in mid January.

The only thing the nurse seemed concerned about is being unable to pinpoint exactly where I am. My last period was 44 days ago. My nausea/boob tenderness/heartburn insanity started two, maybe three weeks ago, so we are guessing that that's when I ovulated. Especially since I got a negative on Sunday and then started getting positives yesterday. So from that counting, we're thinking two weeks pregnant/four weeks gestational. Depending on how the exam goes, my midwife might call for an early ultrasound to get a more accurate dating.

Oh my God...... I'm pregnant.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

What a year

It was the day after Thanksgiving while driving back from a yarn store when Matt looked at me and said, "If I said I was ready, when would you want to start trying?" I looked at him, totally in shock (may have teared up a bit) and said, "Yesterday." We both laughed and continued our drive home. We talked about why the change in heart. You see, we had planned to wait until the summer of 2011. We were planning on giving my cycle time to settle down (we thought). We also were planning to buy a house soon, so hopefully we would have moved already. And we were going to take an exciting Baby Making 2011 vacation around my 30th birthday. That was the plan we'd developed when I went off the pill in March.

Well, we hit October and I still hadn't had a period. Since March. Almost seven months later. I was big time worried. And I'll admit, I started badgering. It become a sore spot that came up almost every time we had sex or talked about sex or looked at each other in a sexy way. We fought about it on the phone, in person, in the car, etc. It didn't help that I had turned 29 and was staring 30 straight in the face. I keep telling Matt: "this isn't going to be easy"; "I had unprotected sex for a long time between HS and college, and didn't get pregnant"; "the sooner we start trying, the sooner we can get help if it doesn't work"; "my mother started menopause in her thirties and I'm getting a lot closer to that". In hindsight now, as much as I knew these things and argued with them, I had hoped when we did start trying, we wouldn't have too much of a problem.

Apparently, around Thanksgiving, it all sank in. Matt told me that he realized that it made sense that I knew my body better than he did, and wouldn't lie or exaggerate things just to get my way. So he decided that he was willing to work on his issues and we could start trying. We went home, and since my entire family was gone (other than my dad who was watching football and wouldn't have heard a bomb drop in the kitchen), we decided to take a 'nap'. ;-) And then we took a nap.

It's been a year since then. No protection, charting temps, checking ovulation, watching signs, doctor's visits, blood work, tests........ truly trying.

I'm still here. And I'm still not pregnant.

My cycles, for the most part, have been rather irregular since going off the pill in March 2010; we're not sure why. I've read up on reproductive systems, pregnancy signs, potential problems. I've had an HSG which showed that my tubes were clear but my uterus was slightly misshapen. Matt's initial SA came back abnormal, according to the hospital, but a second SA and a second opinion on the first resulted in normal ratings with a count (on the 2nd one) high enough to have sex as much as we want. Following the HSG, I think I detected ovulation and got my period when predicted for the first time ever. This month, I'm not sure I ovulated, and am a few days away from expecting my period, so I'm not sure how this cycle has worked out. We didn't have sex when I would have liked so hopes for this cycle are low.

Even in a non-TTC sense, it's been one heck of a year. Multiple friends announced pregnancies which is getting harder and harder to deal with. I broke my arm resulting in bills and physical therapy and minimal sex. It also resulted in weight gain that I haven't been able to get taken care of. I've just been so stressed and working so hard during the day, I just have nothing left at the end of it. We almost bought a house but then had to back out when it looked like we might lose our jobs. A good friend's unborn child was diagnosed with a birth defect that could have serious life-altering consequences. Matt got laid off, only to get rehired a few weeks later. But his job is still in flux so he could be done any day. My mom then broke her arm about a month ago, so I've been making weekly trips back home to help with cooking, shopping, Thanksgiving, etc. and the next two weekends I'll be down there while my dad is out of town. My schedule at work changed dramatically leaving me with two full-time jobs and even less time to do them in.

I'm thankful to have a job. I'm thankful for my family and friends. I'm ever more thankful for Matt who is more supportive than anyone ever could be. I'm thankful that I'm not sick all the time and that we haven't found any serious barriers to conception. I'm thankful that we're even in a position to talk about getting pregnant. So as much as I have to complain about, there is plenty more to be grateful for.

Furthermore, we have a plan. With a go-ahead SA, I can start taking Clomid if necessary. If I get my period this week, I'm going to continue to wait on that. I don't want to deal with extra hormones any more than I have to. If I don't get it by next Monday, I'll be calling to get a script for progesterone to bring on my period and Clomid to make sure I ovulate. We're going to start saving now, but in case we're not pregnant by May, we're going to plan for and schedule an IUI in July while we're off of work. It's the only time that I can afford to take the time off for the ultrasounds and the tests and whatnot. A couple of rounds of IUI and that plan is to call it quits. We aren't going to let this rule our lives. So I feel more optimistic with a plan.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

A defeatist attitude

This was posted today on a board that I'm on. It struck a chord with me.

This is the final step, this is the last test. Then it’s off to IUI. Then if that doesn’t work, it’s over. We’re selling our ranch home with the finished basement and two extra bedrooms (the kids’ rooms) We’re moving to an apartment and saving lots of money to go on lavish vacations. We can plan weeks to spend with our nieces and nephews. We will be the best aunt and uncle ever! Then maybe when we’re 40 we’ll have enough saved for adoption and we can start that adventure full of heartbreak and red tape. :-/

Matt and I have had similar conversations about what we do if this doesn't work. As much as we want kids, I refuse to allow the rest of my life to be ruled by peeing in cups and counting days. Some may disagree with that, but that's how we feel. We haven't set a timeline, but I would guess it would be a couple of Clomid cycles, a couple of IUI cycles (when we can afford them), and then deciding enough is enough. We'll never have the money for IVF so that's not even really a discussable option. Obviously, this will take awhile. Assuming we don't get pregnant prior to June, we're planning our first IUI cycle for the summer when I'm not working and can go to any needed ultrasounds and whatnot without causing tons of coverage issues at work.

I don't want to say that I believe some people are destined to have kids and some aren't. That's not what I mean at all. I'm just not sure I can let this take over my life. I'm not sure I want to. Maybe that means I don't want it enough. I don't know. It's already been an obsessive year (well, a year at Thanksgiving) of TTC, and I can just foresee it getting worse. I'm also watching us putting other things on hold, hoping that this will work. There were several houses we could have bought this summer that would have been perfect in great locations if we weren't talking about kids. We will often notice fun things or vacation spots, and remark "let's do that before we have kids," all the while knowing we won't have the money for it any time soon especially as the TTC process becomes more invasive. A trip that we wanted to take in April is probably going to be cancelled to help save for our first IUI cycle if we're not pregnant before then.

I love kids. I want to have kids. I want to watch my husband hold our baby for the first time and get emotional. I want all of it. I really really do. And without tooting my own horn too much, I think I'd be a pretty good mom.

But I need to be me more than I need to be a mom. I need to maintain my sanity and be a normal person who doesn't think that every twinge in her body is a sign.Or a non-sign. I need to be able to have sex with my husband . . . . . JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO, rather than thinking about what time of the month it is. I need to be able to pee at work rather than be uncomfortable, and not go, since I know that I need to do an OPK when I get home. I want to be able to drink and eat what I want to, rather than worry about what effect this cocktail may have on the baby that just might be starting to develop. I can't live my life like this.

Trying to conceive, in my mind, is like dieting. You can keep it up for the short term, but this is not a lifestyle. There will come a day when I will say, "No. This is it. I'm done." Matt will understand, I know. But for awhile I'll feel guilty and cry a lot, having given up something I'd always taken for granted. But eventually, we'll settle in and develop a routine. And I'll get over it. Or at least, I'll be as over it as I can be.

And then, just my luck, will be when we get pregnant.

Phew.... sorry bout the rant there.

I think I might have ovulated today. Last night's OPK was reasonably darkish, not positive, but darker than the other days. This morning, I've got the same symptoms from last cycle: sore boobs, sharp pinching pain followed by cramping for a few hours, fatigue. We'll BD tonight, tomorrow, and Friday for good measure, assuming we're at home. I'm going to keep testing for a few days and see what the strips do, if they get darker or lighter and we'll see what happens. If they start getting lighter, I would guess I was right. I never got a true positive last time, so I'm not horribly surprised about this month.

Thursday, November 10, 2011


Someone on Ravelry posted that TTC is one big waiting game. It's true. You wait to ovulate, then you wait until you can test or until you get your period, then you wait for your period to be over so you can start testing and waiting for ovulation. I'm getting good at waiting.

Matt's SA came back well within normal limits. His actual count of sperm was very high so we have permission to have sex as much as we want without too much concern of it affecting anything. They also read the results of the first SA, and said that while the morphology was a little outside of the normal range, overall it was not bad enough to warrant the label of abnormal. So we're waiting again. Since I've missed the clomid window, I'm going to wait to see if I ovulate on my own before we call the doctor to get a script for that. It should happen any time now, but I'm anticipating early next week if it stays true to form based on last cycle. So far we've also been pretty good about having sex every other day or so.

NaKnitMo started last week. So far I'm on track to make 75,000 stitches and take over the group. Not bad for a November. I've gotten more done in the last 10 days than in months. Several coffee cozies, two pairs of mittens (one for me, one for a co-worker), and started a present for Matt. Now let's see if we can make a baby this month too.

Christmas wish list plug

Saturday, October 29, 2011

It takes small victories

Well, I tested on Thursday. By the time I got up that morning, I was expected a BFN since my cramps had gotten worse and the post-sex spotting that I sometimes get near my period hadn't gone away like it normally would. But I did it anyway, and was not surprised when it was negative. *le sigh*
I spent most of Thursday feeling like I was being split in half right at the level of my uterus. And got my period sometime before lunch.
But, I'm looking at the bright side. It came on its own without ten days of progesterone pills and it came when I was expecting it to come based on ovulation testing. This means several things:
1. I did actually detect ovulation, either the up-surge or the down-surge since I didn't get a true positive, just an almost positive.
2. My body ovulated on its own, since it's unlikely that I would have gotten my period on schedule without ovulating.
3. My progesterone level, which had been soooo low on my 21 days blood work this summer, must have been high enough that the drop triggered my period.
4. I got my period between 13-15 days following ovulation which from what I can tell is rather normal.
5. My cycle was within normally accepted limits in terms of length (34 days). Long, yes, and I ovulated later (day 20-22), but from what I can tell that's within normal. For the first time. EVER.

So as much as I would have loved to have been pregnant, I'm honestly okay with just these small victories.
Hopefully, these small victories will be enough to keep hope alive through Matt's SA second opinion appointment on Wednesday. I'm just praying that goes well.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

The upcoming weekend

This weekend could prove to be exciting in one of two ways.
Option 1 (preferred option):
My pregnancy test I take on Friday morning will be positive. That would be awesome.
Option 2 (not as welcome, but still a victory of sorts):
I will get my period this weekend. This would be the first time that I accurately predicted and got my period when scheduled in my adult life, and the first regular non-medically induced cycle I've had since I went off of the pill.

Unfortunately, my body is giving me signs of both.
My boobs have been sore for a week now and I'm fluctuating between starving and nausea (although that's been better today). I've also been exhausted, like could just put my head down on my desk and sleep tired. I've also developed some backache over the course of today, which is really weird for me. I've had what feels like non-stop heartburn and the sniffles as well.

My boobs have been sore for a week now and I'm often hungry. I'm often tired when I get my period. I don't normally get a backache from my period, just bad cramps. The cramps haven't really shown up, some minor cramping yesterday, but nothing near normal. But they don't normally show up until immediately before I get my period, so there is still time for that. I've had some very light spotting yesterday, not even heavy enough to be considered spotting. It only shows up when I go to the bathroom, and it hasn't really shown up today.

So I'm still waiting. We're going to Chrissy's show on Friday at Magellan's so (if I haven't gotten my period) I'm going to test in the morning just in case. I think 14 dpo is probably far enough to give me a pretty accurate picture. Fingers crossed!!!

Saturday, October 15, 2011


ETA: I realized that I already wrote about some of this, so it's repeated but more detailed here. No one except me reads this anyway, so it doesn't really matter.

So I think we caught it this time. I've been trying to be really good about using the ovulation tests and checking my mucus and just being aware of how I feel. I haven't gone back to temping yet; that was just annoying and got skewed each weekend when I didn't get up at 6AM. But the OPK was almost positive on Thursday afternoon. I know, I know, if it wasn't positive, it doesn't matter what it was, but I've read at a lot of sites that there is often a fade-in pattern where the strip will get progressively darker as it gets closer. All I know is it was the first time that it had been anything other than a faint line, so I'm taking that as a good sign. I also had some weird symptoms yesterday that point to ovulation. Weird in the sense that I've never noticed them before and to have them coincide with a darker OPK seemed too coincidental. I actually woke up in the morning from having sore breasts and around 11AM, I had this weird pinching sensation (it hurt!) on my left side followed by some cramping for about an hour or so. My CM has also been plentiful (annoyingly so) and of that sticky consistency that it's supposed to have right about this time. So all of the signs are there....

Matt and I were both too tired Thursday which is really when we should have had sex, but we had sex last night and I'm planning to do it again tonight.

I felt a little run down yesterday after our miserable failure of a field trip on Thursday, but overall I felt really positive. I'm not sure why. We talked with the doc on the way home, and while yes, the results of the SA came back abnormal, she doesn't think that they were all that bad. Everything was normal except for the shape of the sperm, and according to her, that's not a barrier to them being effective. A very different message from the one we received on Tuesday. Now the plan is for Matt to get a second opinion on the SA, and if that comes back with an all-clear OK, we'll start Clomid on the next cycle. Although, if I've actually detected ovulation, I'm not sure she'll put me on Clomid; we'll have to see how this goes. If I wait out the two week wait until I should approximately get my period and I get it, then two things are true: 1. Yeah! I detected ovulation accurately. and 2. Boo! I'm not pregnant. As much as I'd be bummed to not be pregnant, I'd be excited that I did ovulate and that I was able to tell when I ovulated, a victory unto itself. But if we do Clomid for three cycles or so and are unsuccessful, we move on to IUI.

At this point, our path can go one of two ways. We will either be pregnant in the next six months or working on a way to come up with the money for IUI. As much as I'm hoping and praying that we can do this naturally without resorting to a procedure, I'm just happy that we have a short-term and a long-term plan.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Roller Coaster

We had amazing sex on Monday night. Not that our sex isn't always good, but Monday was awesome. And then Tuesday morning, I found out that I passed this huge test that I needed to pass to be considered a highly qualified teacher. I was riding high.

Until 10:45AM. I called the women's center and listened to someone named April tell me that she couldn't see the actual report about my HSG, but the notes looked good, that my husband's sperm were abnormal, and that we were going to be referred to a fertility specialist.

Hold on, wait, WHAT!??!

I think I put it best in the words of my post of Ravelry:

I’m in shock right now.
We got the results of the SA. He had mostly abnormal sperm. Multiple abnormalities. Serious abnormalities. To the point where it is unlikely we are going to be able to do this on our own without medical intervention. And with the results of my HSG, we still don’t know what is causing my lack of ovulation.
So we’re looking at a referral to a fertility clinic. Anything having to do with infertility is not covered by my insurance AT ALL.
I was looking for answer, but I didn’t really think about this. A problem with DH didn’t even really cross my mind.
This sucks.

I ended up in my co-workers office, crying. There were students still in my classroom so I couldn't cry in there. DH was visibly shaken, and we both weren't quite sure where this left us. He kept asking if there was something he could change about himself to fix it. To add insult to injury, my best friend (who I am thrilled and super happy for) had her baby three weeks early.

We spent much of the evening that we were home talking about how we could happy without children or we could adopt or foster. Wednesday evening was spent doing much of the same. 
I spent the day today with high school students at the theatre where several of them embarrassed themselves and me. I was grumpy and pissed when I left work.

But I finally got in touch with my midwife, and she had a completely different story to tell. His SA wasn't all that bad and she highly recommended getting a second opinion to override the opinion of the on-site person-who-makes-that-decision. So she referred someone, and luckily, that person is in-network. Assuming that person gives us the go ahead, we're going to start Clomid on my next cycle. I'm not thrilled about pills, but I'd really like to get pregnant. At this point, we're willing to try as many thing as necessary.

On a positive side note, my OPK today was this close to being positive! We're gonna BD tonight, and hopefully I'll get a true positive this weekend!

Monday, October 10, 2011

A lousy human being

Is it wrong to be secretly happy to not be the only person struggling with this? Conception, that is. Maybe happy isn't the right word..... I'm not sure what it is. All I know is that whatever I feel that I'm not alone makes me feel like a lousy human being.

I keep trying to be good about doing ovulation tests and all I keep getting are the same two lines: the dark control line and a faint test line that hasn't gotten any darker but hasn't gotten any lighter either. It makes me wonder why I bother testing at all. I've been testing pretty regularly for almost five months now and nada, zilch, zip and zero. Absolutely nothing.

Following ten years of birth control pills, we decided it was time for my body to regulate itself to get ready for trying to get pregnant. And my prescription coverage changed and they weren't covered anymore. I got my period four times in the year that followed. All four were amazingly awful, heavy and painful. When I met with my midwife in March, she scolded me for waiting so long to come in. "You weren't regular before you went on the pill; what made you think you would be regular after?" were her exact words. I love her, but jeez, the woman can be blunt. With strict orders not to go for more than 42 days without a period, I left full of hope that we could do this. 42 days came, 42 days went. I went back in June. Cherie prescribed progesterone pills to jump start my cycle and metformin to regulate ovulation. She also called in an order for a full blood work-up to see where all the hormones and other levels stood to rule out other issues. Everything came back within normal limits, except my progesterone levels, indicating that I didn't ovulate, at least for that month. Following that, Cherie (my midwife) ordered an HSG and an SA for the hubby. The doctor who did the procedure said that the tubes looked good, the right side a bit more resistant to allowing the dye to flow than the left, but other than that, the tubes looked good. My uterus is abnormally shaped, I guess they call an arcuate uterus. Rather than being shaped like an upside-down pear, it is more like a flattened Y, almost a T shape. It shouldn't cause a problem with conception. The nurse called today while I was in class to talk about the results of the SA and the HSG, so I'll be calling them back tomorrow to find out what the plan is for the next cycle. I almost wish they had seen something wrong in the initial findings of the HSG so we'd have something to fix. Or I hope that something is wrong with the SA so I can blame something other than myself. Not that I should blame myself; I'm pretty sure I didn't do anything to cause this. I just wish I knew why this was such a problem. I know they say it can take healthy normal couples up to a year to conceive under normal circumstances, but I'm not normal. At the very least, my cycle isn't. Well, no, I'm actually not normal, but other than this gynecological issue, I'm okay with that.

Going back to where I started with feeling *insert positive yet inappropriate emotion here*, it's nice to know I'm not alone. Well, maybe not nice, since I don't want anyone else to feel like I do and I can't imagine how people who have been trying for years feel. I guess it's comforting to not be the only one struggling. Not be the only one who feels like her body is letting her down. I guess that's where this blog is coming from. There aren't many in my life who understand where I'm at right now. One of my best friends got pregnant the first cycle that they stopped using protection, my good friends at work are all pregnant with their second or third kids, I see pregnant people EVERYWHERE.

I didn't expect this to become all consuming. Well, actually, I'm not too surprised. I have a rather obsessive planning compulsion. I need to be planning something at all times. I planned my move to OH, then planned the wedding from OH. After the wedding, I was in a funk until I decided it was time to move back to WI, then I planned that. After moving here, I started planning to move up in the company then planned to move out of the company and move into a better apartment. At work, I plan all the time and I've been designing my own curriculum since day 1. Once we started trying to conceive, I planned that. When that didn't happen within six months, I started planning to buy a house to keep my mind off the baby, thinking that maybe it would happen when I stopped worrying so much. Then we almost lost our jobs and the house fell through. So now I'm back to the baby. And planning to find a new job; I can't handle the stress of doing to two full time jobs, and not knowing if there will be a next year.

So I'm a planner. Yes, I have a small stash of baby things, and I keep hoping the next baby sweater that I knit will be for my own baby. Here's hoping, right?

I'm normally not quite so whiny. Things will turn around. I'll find out tomorrow that I'm smarter than a fifth grader (stupid Praxis test) and that my husband's SA was good and we'll have a plan.
That's what I need.
A plan.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Here I go again.

I'm pretty sure I've started as many blogs as I've started journals in the last 5 years. But here I go again.

Hi!! My name is Beth. I live in Milwaukee with my husband of almost 6 years and our two cats, Zeke and Luther. Yes, there is a Disney TV show with the same name. No, we did not name them after it. Luther is named after Martin Luther, the amazing theologian and Zeke, well.... he came to us with that name. We just changed the spelling.

My husband is a fantastic guy. I was initially attracted to his voice when we met in college, and I have gotten to listen to him sing for over 10 years, including one Valentine's Day when he serenaded me in lounge of my college dorm and the year he wrote me a love song for Christmas. He does laundry and cleans the bathroom and is willing to help with cooking when I've just got too much work to do. He also is an aide at the school where I teach. Some days, he is a one-on-one aide for an autistic non-verbal little boy and other days he is a run-around-help-everyone aide who works on in library when he isn't running around. I like those days. It makes my life easier since in a weird twist of design, the music room (where I teach) shares space with the library. Go figure.

I teach music and special education. This is my fourth year teaching music and my second doing special education, and one day in the near future, I'm going to give up teaching music to do special education full time.  Well, I'll do just special education full time, rather than both of them full time. I love my job; I just wish I loved my school. I'm sure I will complain about that enough in the future, so I won't go into that right now.

We are members of a lovely church here in Milwaukee, and technically we sing in the choir. Right now, though, with grad school, work, and other obligations, we're planning to take a break from it. At least until after Christmas.

I'm in grad school. I'm working on my Masters in Special Education. It's going well. I finish student teaching in special ed this semester, one more class next semester, and then it's the big THESIS writing. Grad school hasn't been particularly difficult, more of an annoyance than anything. An expensive annoyance, but an annoyance nonetheless.

As for other obligations, I hesitate to refer to my knitting group as an obligation becuase I am upset when I don't get to go on Tuesdays. I started the group in 2008 to fill a void that I had found in the area. All of the knitting groups that I visisted after moving to Milwaukee were make up of women, very lovely women, but women who were significantly older than I. They loved to talk about their grandchildren and putting their mothers in nursing homes, while I could only comment on how my mother took my grandmother to the doctor and that I wanted children of my own someday. My second major obligation outside of work and school is the board of directors for the Lutheran A Cappella Lutheran Choir of Milwaukee. I serve on an internal committee to redesign their website and logo as well. It doesn't take too much time out of my daily schedule, but it feels rewarding to be helping to keep such an important musical influence in the area functioning. I wasn't able to make it to their spring concert, but I hoping/planning to attend this Christmas show.

I spend a great deal of time thinking about my husband and I's efforts to conceive. It was a tough battle to convince him that it was time to start, but we finally started trying the day after Thanksgiving last year. I told him that there would be problems based on my previous experiences with men (i.e. tons of unprotected sex with no resulting pregnancies throughout high school), my lack of regular cycles before and after taking birth control pills, and the knowledge that my mom started pre-menopause in her late 30s. And eventually he wisely decided that I knew my body better than he did, and might not be just a hysterical woman who felt like her clock was ticking. I 'believed' all of these arguments, I really did. But I am not sure that I expected to still be trying almost a year later. I don't think I believed that trying to conceive was going to be this difficult. I mean, 16 year old kids do it accidentally all the time! Why would two adults who were trying on purpose have a problem?

So I'm starting this blog to keep track of what we've tried, the trials to come, and hopefully as a living document for me to process my thoughts and emotions as I embark on this journey!