Wednesday, November 16, 2011

A defeatist attitude

This was posted today on a board that I'm on. It struck a chord with me.

This is the final step, this is the last test. Then it’s off to IUI. Then if that doesn’t work, it’s over. We’re selling our ranch home with the finished basement and two extra bedrooms (the kids’ rooms) We’re moving to an apartment and saving lots of money to go on lavish vacations. We can plan weeks to spend with our nieces and nephews. We will be the best aunt and uncle ever! Then maybe when we’re 40 we’ll have enough saved for adoption and we can start that adventure full of heartbreak and red tape. :-/

Matt and I have had similar conversations about what we do if this doesn't work. As much as we want kids, I refuse to allow the rest of my life to be ruled by peeing in cups and counting days. Some may disagree with that, but that's how we feel. We haven't set a timeline, but I would guess it would be a couple of Clomid cycles, a couple of IUI cycles (when we can afford them), and then deciding enough is enough. We'll never have the money for IVF so that's not even really a discussable option. Obviously, this will take awhile. Assuming we don't get pregnant prior to June, we're planning our first IUI cycle for the summer when I'm not working and can go to any needed ultrasounds and whatnot without causing tons of coverage issues at work.

I don't want to say that I believe some people are destined to have kids and some aren't. That's not what I mean at all. I'm just not sure I can let this take over my life. I'm not sure I want to. Maybe that means I don't want it enough. I don't know. It's already been an obsessive year (well, a year at Thanksgiving) of TTC, and I can just foresee it getting worse. I'm also watching us putting other things on hold, hoping that this will work. There were several houses we could have bought this summer that would have been perfect in great locations if we weren't talking about kids. We will often notice fun things or vacation spots, and remark "let's do that before we have kids," all the while knowing we won't have the money for it any time soon especially as the TTC process becomes more invasive. A trip that we wanted to take in April is probably going to be cancelled to help save for our first IUI cycle if we're not pregnant before then.

I love kids. I want to have kids. I want to watch my husband hold our baby for the first time and get emotional. I want all of it. I really really do. And without tooting my own horn too much, I think I'd be a pretty good mom.

But I need to be me more than I need to be a mom. I need to maintain my sanity and be a normal person who doesn't think that every twinge in her body is a sign.Or a non-sign. I need to be able to have sex with my husband . . . . . JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO, rather than thinking about what time of the month it is. I need to be able to pee at work rather than be uncomfortable, and not go, since I know that I need to do an OPK when I get home. I want to be able to drink and eat what I want to, rather than worry about what effect this cocktail may have on the baby that just might be starting to develop. I can't live my life like this.

Trying to conceive, in my mind, is like dieting. You can keep it up for the short term, but this is not a lifestyle. There will come a day when I will say, "No. This is it. I'm done." Matt will understand, I know. But for awhile I'll feel guilty and cry a lot, having given up something I'd always taken for granted. But eventually, we'll settle in and develop a routine. And I'll get over it. Or at least, I'll be as over it as I can be.

And then, just my luck, will be when we get pregnant.

Phew.... sorry bout the rant there.

I think I might have ovulated today. Last night's OPK was reasonably darkish, not positive, but darker than the other days. This morning, I've got the same symptoms from last cycle: sore boobs, sharp pinching pain followed by cramping for a few hours, fatigue. We'll BD tonight, tomorrow, and Friday for good measure, assuming we're at home. I'm going to keep testing for a few days and see what the strips do, if they get darker or lighter and we'll see what happens. If they start getting lighter, I would guess I was right. I never got a true positive last time, so I'm not horribly surprised about this month.

1 comment:

  1. I totally understand. I mean I will probably never go back on BC but I can definitely see us ''quitting'' once we've done all we can do (tests, clomid,IUI). Start living our lives as a couple not a soon to be family. It hurts to face that, but the stress and dissapointment of TTC is rough! It's not just ''go off the pill and have unprotected sex'' we've done that for 16 cycles!! There is some peace in facing the facts