A lousy human being

Is it wrong to be secretly happy to not be the only person struggling with this? Conception, that is. Maybe happy isn't the right word..... I'm not sure what it is. All I know is that whatever I feel that I'm not alone makes me feel like a lousy human being.

I keep trying to be good about doing ovulation tests and all I keep getting are the same two lines: the dark control line and a faint test line that hasn't gotten any darker but hasn't gotten any lighter either. It makes me wonder why I bother testing at all. I've been testing pretty regularly for almost five months now and nada, zilch, zip and zero. Absolutely nothing.

Following ten years of birth control pills, we decided it was time for my body to regulate itself to get ready for trying to get pregnant. And my prescription coverage changed and they weren't covered anymore. I got my period four times in the year that followed. All four were amazingly awful, heavy and painful. When I met with my midwife in March, she scolded me for waiting so long to come in. "You weren't regular before you went on the pill; what made you think you would be regular after?" were her exact words. I love her, but jeez, the woman can be blunt. With strict orders not to go for more than 42 days without a period, I left full of hope that we could do this. 42 days came, 42 days went. I went back in June. Cherie prescribed progesterone pills to jump start my cycle and metformin to regulate ovulation. She also called in an order for a full blood work-up to see where all the hormones and other levels stood to rule out other issues. Everything came back within normal limits, except my progesterone levels, indicating that I didn't ovulate, at least for that month. Following that, Cherie (my midwife) ordered an HSG and an SA for the hubby. The doctor who did the procedure said that the tubes looked good, the right side a bit more resistant to allowing the dye to flow than the left, but other than that, the tubes looked good. My uterus is abnormally shaped, I guess they call an arcuate uterus. Rather than being shaped like an upside-down pear, it is more like a flattened Y, almost a T shape. It shouldn't cause a problem with conception. The nurse called today while I was in class to talk about the results of the SA and the HSG, so I'll be calling them back tomorrow to find out what the plan is for the next cycle. I almost wish they had seen something wrong in the initial findings of the HSG so we'd have something to fix. Or I hope that something is wrong with the SA so I can blame something other than myself. Not that I should blame myself; I'm pretty sure I didn't do anything to cause this. I just wish I knew why this was such a problem. I know they say it can take healthy normal couples up to a year to conceive under normal circumstances, but I'm not normal. At the very least, my cycle isn't. Well, no, I'm actually not normal, but other than this gynecological issue, I'm okay with that.

Going back to where I started with feeling *insert positive yet inappropriate emotion here*, it's nice to know I'm not alone. Well, maybe not nice, since I don't want anyone else to feel like I do and I can't imagine how people who have been trying for years feel. I guess it's comforting to not be the only one struggling. Not be the only one who feels like her body is letting her down. I guess that's where this blog is coming from. There aren't many in my life who understand where I'm at right now. One of my best friends got pregnant the first cycle that they stopped using protection, my good friends at work are all pregnant with their second or third kids, I see pregnant people EVERYWHERE.

I didn't expect this to become all consuming. Well, actually, I'm not too surprised. I have a rather obsessive planning compulsion. I need to be planning something at all times. I planned my move to OH, then planned the wedding from OH. After the wedding, I was in a funk until I decided it was time to move back to WI, then I planned that. After moving here, I started planning to move up in the company then planned to move out of the company and move into a better apartment. At work, I plan all the time and I've been designing my own curriculum since day 1. Once we started trying to conceive, I planned that. When that didn't happen within six months, I started planning to buy a house to keep my mind off the baby, thinking that maybe it would happen when I stopped worrying so much. Then we almost lost our jobs and the house fell through. So now I'm back to the baby. And planning to find a new job; I can't handle the stress of doing to two full time jobs, and not knowing if there will be a next year.

So I'm a planner. Yes, I have a small stash of baby things, and I keep hoping the next baby sweater that I knit will be for my own baby. Here's hoping, right?

I'm normally not quite so whiny. Things will turn around. I'll find out tomorrow that I'm smarter than a fifth grader (stupid Praxis test) and that my husband's SA was good and we'll have a plan.
That's what I need.
A plan.