End of the line

The baby is fine. I realize that post title makes it sound like something happened. She's fine. Kicking and punching on a pretty decent schedule.

My school will be closing at the end of the school year. We were hoping that something would work out over Spring Break, but the couple of potential situations just didn't pan out. So as of the end of June, I will be unemployed. More importantly or at least more worrisome, I will be uninsured.

As in, no insurance to pay for doctor's visits or lab tests or the freakin' delivery of my baby.

Yes, I'm sure I will qualify for unemployment and for state aid in whatever state I am living in, but I'm guessing that my options for maternity will not be at nearly the same level as the levels I am used to. Maybe that makes me sound a little snobbish, but I really don't care. I love my doc's office and the nurses and the benefits that my insurance affords me. I haven't paid for anything since getting pregnant. It's all been covered by my insurance, and I'm guessing that state aid isn't going to cover me that nicely if it's even accepted at that office.

I'm just scared at this point. I've never been fired or laid off in my entire life. We already knew we had to move this July, but without jobs, no place is going to give us a lease. We could try to find a place before the school year is over, but I am deathly afraid of signing a lease and then being stuck if we either find jobs elsewhere or don't find things and run out of money. It is looking more and more like we'll be moving back to IL, potentially in with my parents if we don't find something here.

And who the f*&^ is gonna hire someone who is going to need to be out for maternity leave for the first 6-8 weeks of the school year? On a 'good' day, I look quite pudgy; on a 'bad' day, I definitely look pregnant. My mom and others keep saying, 'if they really want you, they'll hire you regardless' but I'm not convinced. There are a lot of teachers in this town looking for work, why should they hire someone they're going to have to replace before I even start??

I think that's part of the reason that I haven't started looking yet. I don't do well with rejection. I guess I'm just soo scared of change at this point. And I am paralyzed by fear. I've never felt like this before. Things have never been so up in the air; I've always had a plan. And it's not just us anymore. There is this little person who will be completely dependent on us for everything, and right now, we're not sure we're going to have a place to live when she's born. I'll be thirty-one, unemployed, potentially under-insured, and essentially homeless. Moving back in with mom and dad with the husband and baby was not in my life plans.

So I'm stuck. I even skipped knitting tonight to 'work on job hunt stuff'. What have I actually done? Nothing, watched TV, and played around on-line. Nothing.

Why does something always fall apart?